Tales of the short distance runner

Early morning - Alarm rings. A sweeter sound has never been heard if you are a Sadist!

Wipe the nights sleep from the eyes and grab the over sized old jogging bottoms and an old T-Shirt so I can be dressed for the part of exercising Hobo/Tramp. Occasionally I wonder what image I portray on the streets of this sleepy town but that soon dissipates.

MP3 Player - Essential for 2 reasons - Easier to Jog with a beat behind it and it also covers up the sounds of any wayward wheezing which if heard would destroy the image of fitness perfection.

Out on the dirty streets - That's not a term to describe the crime ridden area by the way. They really are pretty grim. Filled with litter and Dog crap they add an element of danger and perfecting skillful weaving is a must.

Pre-Jogging walk - Makes you look like you have forgotten how to run but apparently essential if you don't want your feet to literally fall off!

1st Jogging session - Nothing wakes you up better that hot steamy sex. This isn't really a good substitute but beggars can't be choosers (they tend to do stupid alternative things like Jogging etc.).

Jog, Walk, Jog, Walk (you get the idea) - Increases your endurance over time and makes you look like you keep giving up and then getting a burst of energy, just to lose it again, then get some more energy (you get the idea!).

Final walk - Timed correctly you can arrive at the front door at just the right time. If timed incorrectly there is a tendency to walk around the car like a person who has forgotten how to use the front door to gain entry to the home. It is also essential to look 20-25% worse than you actually feel in case anyone sees you. The returning Hero bit and all that.

Final stage - This potential Olympian washes off the grime of exercise in the old tin bath in front of the fire. Ah the memories of that in the good old days. Oddly enough they aren't my memories which is a bit disturbing! 

Common Sense

    I recently went past a Church that needed to place a sign outside that read "Please do not exercise your dogs in the Cemetery". Apart from the fact that I would have liked the spelling to have been "exorcise" I would have thought it would have been something that really didn't have to be pointed out to the general public. It is one of those things that you notice as you walk aimlessly from point A to point B, the stupid little things I guess.
    In the same way that painted signs on a crossing tell you to look left and/or right to make sure that those big metal things on wheels won't turn you into mincemeat and you are also reminded on boxes that glass is indeed fragile, it feels a bit like we don't have to actually think for ourselves as much as we did in the past. Watch out, that HOT apple pie is HOTTTT! is the part where even the potential danger is put in the title of the product and you can bet someone is going to take a great big bite and exclaim in shock and despair "I've burnt the roof of my mouth".
    In a world where a guy burns his penis by using it to check the heat of the water coming out of a shower (in my day I use my hand, I'm whacky like that!) I guess we do need to have signs to avoid the entire human race flushing themselves down the nearest toilet!