I have nearly walked into a tree once whilst staring at my phone. It was a lesson learned. A human cannot, despite many people trying, look forward via the top of the skull. I know it has come as a revelation. On the other hand I have had to stand my ground while other people (I like to call them the oblivious ones) have headed towards me at full speed, frantically typing up a tweet or updating a Facebook status - "Currently walking. LOL. No idea where I am. Haven't looked up in 15 mins" - That a) fits the criteria and b) is potentially accurate. Now I could sidestep these literary gods of the highway but I don't. Reasons are simple a) Its more fun to make them jump and b) they potentially have more friends / followers than myself so why should I be overly generous. Plus it gives them a more dramatic conclusion to their story telling - "Phew close call. Nearly hit someone who was obviously not watching their surroundings". The irony would take the creases out of my shirt ( iron -y. Geddit. Yes I am ashamed).
Get rid of all the trees. That field - dump a load of waste on it. Areas of natural beauty. Burn them all. Dam up any streams and kill all the wildlife. In the next decade nobody will notice. We will all be staring at screens or wearing virtual reality specs. Wont need nature.
That is of course if we havent all tripped up and broken our necks on that rock we didnt see!!!
Friday, 19 June 2015
Wednesday, 20 March 2013
Tales of the short distance runner
Early morning - Alarm rings. A sweeter sound has never been heard if you are a Sadist!
Wipe the nights sleep from the eyes and grab the over sized old jogging bottoms and an old T-Shirt so I can be dressed for the part of exercising Hobo/Tramp. Occasionally I wonder what image I portray on the streets of this sleepy town but that soon dissipates.
MP3 Player - Essential for 2 reasons - Easier to Jog with a beat behind it and it also covers up the sounds of any wayward wheezing which if heard would destroy the image of fitness perfection.
Out on the dirty streets - That's not a term to describe the crime ridden area by the way. They really are pretty grim. Filled with litter and Dog crap they add an element of danger and perfecting skillful weaving is a must.
Pre-Jogging walk - Makes you look like you have forgotten how to run but apparently essential if you don't want your feet to literally fall off!
1st Jogging session - Nothing wakes you up better that hot steamy sex. This isn't really a good substitute but beggars can't be choosers (they tend to do stupid alternative things like Jogging etc.).
Jog, Walk, Jog, Walk (you get the idea) - Increases your endurance over time and makes you look like you keep giving up and then getting a burst of energy, just to lose it again, then get some more energy (you get the idea!).
Final walk - Timed correctly you can arrive at the front door at just the right time. If timed incorrectly there is a tendency to walk around the car like a person who has forgotten how to use the front door to gain entry to the home. It is also essential to look 20-25% worse than you actually feel in case anyone sees you. The returning Hero bit and all that.
Final stage - This potential Olympian washes off the grime of exercise in the old tin bath in front of the fire. Ah the memories of that in the good old days. Oddly enough they aren't my memories which is a bit disturbing!
Wipe the nights sleep from the eyes and grab the over sized old jogging bottoms and an old T-Shirt so I can be dressed for the part of exercising Hobo/Tramp. Occasionally I wonder what image I portray on the streets of this sleepy town but that soon dissipates.
MP3 Player - Essential for 2 reasons - Easier to Jog with a beat behind it and it also covers up the sounds of any wayward wheezing which if heard would destroy the image of fitness perfection.
Out on the dirty streets - That's not a term to describe the crime ridden area by the way. They really are pretty grim. Filled with litter and Dog crap they add an element of danger and perfecting skillful weaving is a must.
Pre-Jogging walk - Makes you look like you have forgotten how to run but apparently essential if you don't want your feet to literally fall off!
1st Jogging session - Nothing wakes you up better that hot steamy sex. This isn't really a good substitute but beggars can't be choosers (they tend to do stupid alternative things like Jogging etc.).
Jog, Walk, Jog, Walk (you get the idea) - Increases your endurance over time and makes you look like you keep giving up and then getting a burst of energy, just to lose it again, then get some more energy (you get the idea!).
Final walk - Timed correctly you can arrive at the front door at just the right time. If timed incorrectly there is a tendency to walk around the car like a person who has forgotten how to use the front door to gain entry to the home. It is also essential to look 20-25% worse than you actually feel in case anyone sees you. The returning Hero bit and all that.
Final stage - This potential Olympian washes off the grime of exercise in the old tin bath in front of the fire. Ah the memories of that in the good old days. Oddly enough they aren't my memories which is a bit disturbing!
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