Here goes the sun!

     So that was the summer. Unless we get yet another heatwave (we will) that lasts for several hours and somehow disappoints some unknown person that you get chatting to in the street for a reason that you can't remember (it doesn't cost anything to be nice - keep telling yourself that!). Lets face it - its either too hot or too bloody cold blah blah blah. Im here to help. Honest.

     Tip 1: Get used to wearing a coat again.

     It sounds simple but you will still see the odd person walking around  in shorts and short sleeved tops doing the "shivering but I'm not cold" walk. I will make summer last all year if it kills me! Get the fancy "survive on everest jacket" out of the wardrobe and try it on. You never know. You may have lost weight ( aren't you looking svelte!) so a pre - fashion check may well be just the job.

     Tip 2: Forget the fashion part

     I know. You caught me. I used the word "Fashion" twice in short succession. Trust me, anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that I should never use that word. Ever. So i have consulted nobody in this next tip. Unless you have specifically designed for the Autumn / Winter collection from the local emporium then you will never look as good as you think you do. By the way I did get that last statement the right way round. you work around it (impossible) not the other way round. Don't go for glamour. Stick with the "I'm cold and pissed off" look. Only ever seen two people together that looked cool in Winter gear and they were on a billboard. Bastards!

     Tip 3: Drink lots of coffee

     Do you really need a reason. Its the nectar of the gods (when the booze runs out).

     Tip 4: Drink soup

There is never a better time for hot soup than the coldest time of the year. Lets face it, you look a bit of an a**hole with a cup of french onion soup sitting in the garden when its the hottest day of the year. Make the most of it. Plus you hardly have to chew. Saves the calories for keeping you warm. Almost a survival tip (even though Bear Grylls would probably prefer to wrestle the soup ingredients to the ground and dispatch them with a knitting needle - or something). Plus buy a special mug. No reason for it but I couldn't think of another way of changing the subject from soup-icide!

     Tip 5: Mind your footing.

     Careful now! You can practically fall over on anything in the colder times of the year. Leaves, Ice, Snow, Dog crap (not a naturally occurring phenomenon but i think that those dog owners should be thrown into a volcano - both a natural answer and keeps you warm - possibly another tip there?). Just pretend you are tightrope whilst walking but at the same time maintain an air of coolness. How tricky can that be? Yeah you are right, forget the looking cool part, just do what you can to avoid other peoples gaze as they are doing the same to you and all will be well.

     *Just a note - If you are bored by now or think this is too long then it's your fault. I don't have a gun at your head (even though some might think that that scenario would be preferable to reading this - my last statement still stands - it is your fault).

     Tip 6: It will soon be over.

     Once that apocalypse hits it will all end... wait, no, that's not what I meant (even though it would be one of those full stops that couldn't be argued with!). Unless you live in an area that has one type of weather all the year round (America, for example, has an ecosystem that produces only the most attractive people. I know this because I've seen them on T.V. The gogglebox never, ever, lies). Just as you get all settled in with the cold weather then it all turns mild again. Flowers grow, Lambs do something or other in fields. The cold is a distant memory. Its a wonderful thing. Unless that bloody apocalypse happens...

     Those are my tips for surviving the cold. or not. If you made it this far then you are an idiot and have actually just learned nothing except how to waste 5 minutes in your day. Thank you for that. When all is said and done we will all moan and groan about how crappy it is. It's what we all do so well. If we have gained anything from this little chat it's that Hedgehogs are, in fact, in the list of the cleverest creatures on the planet.

     Go to sleep for months in the warm and let the other s**t take care of itself!

Oh look - You are surrounded by world!

      I have nearly walked into a tree once whilst staring at my phone. It was a lesson learned. A human cannot, despite many people trying, look forward via the top of the skull. I know it has come as a revelation. On the other hand I have had to stand my ground while other people (I like to call them the oblivious ones) have headed towards me at full speed, frantically typing up a tweet or updating a Facebook status - "Currently walking. LOL. No idea where I am. Haven't looked up in 15 mins" - That a) fits the criteria and b) is potentially accurate. Now I could sidestep these literary gods of the highway but I don't. Reasons are simple a) Its more fun to make them jump and b) they potentially have more friends / followers than myself so why should I be overly generous. Plus it gives them a more dramatic conclusion to their story telling - "Phew close call. Nearly hit someone who was obviously not watching their surroundings". The irony would take the creases out of my shirt ( iron -y. Geddit. Yes I am ashamed).
    
Get rid of all the trees. That field - dump a load of waste on it. Areas of natural beauty. Burn them all. Dam up any streams and kill all the wildlife. In the next decade nobody will notice. We will all be staring at screens or wearing virtual reality specs. Wont need nature.

      That is of course if we havent all tripped up and broken our necks on that rock we didnt see!!!